June 2013
*whispers* i’m insanely nervous about college in general but I know if I just take it day by day everything will be okay
Blind Pilot || Half Moon
It’s not hard to live like a ghost
I just haunt all that I’ve wanted and leave what I don’t
I dreamt a trail up to the sky,
Aand my brothers built propellers just to see how far they’d fly
So hold high, how faint your reasons
Your flashing sparrows chasing with them
Don’t you forget you came from nothing
That wind is calling my name
And I won’t wait
Or I’ll never get on
Got to talk music this past week with a really cool leader and this was one of his awesome recommendations.
That was the fastest 200 notes I’ve ever gotten in my life.
I guess that’s what having a team in the Cup final is like.
*pouts in corner*
As if I would KNOW
It’s hard to hope someone would fall in love with me
For the music playing through in my ears
When no one else can hear it
I dreamed about you last night. I wonder if you’ll see this? Hm. Did you know I saved every single thing you said to me? The good and the bad? When you let me need you, and when you scoffed at my anorexia for the world to see? Anyway, that doesn’t matter now. In the dream we ran into each other out somewhere. We talked. We smiled. Life. College. We’re both doing okay. The past was gone. And then we walked away. It was nice. It felt good. I felt happy and relieved. I don’t know if it would happen that way, but now I know I’ve forgiven it all. It’s not forgotten but it’s let go. And that’s a fantastic feeling.
really close to emailing the contents of that last post to both parents ngl
At this point, all I can do is try to keep my mouth shut and ask God to teach me how to forgive, every second of every day in this house.
Though I try to forgive, I don’t think my brother and I are going to be ~buds~ any time soon. I’m so hurt and angry, there’s been no confrontation of wrongs, his lying is completely out of control. I fear with each word I say to him that the next will be something vindictive or profane. Everything he’s done bites me: lying about our family, hurting my friends, making up struggles that he doesn’t have to make people pity him - it all cuts into me like a knife. I’m walking on eggshells trying not to lash out.
And I’m hurt and bewildered that my parents choose to let it all slide. I’m craving confrontation and closure (even if there is no apology), and I’m getting nothing. It’s really screwing me up. I was so upset on Saturday that I had a near panic attack and cried most of the morning. It’s so hard to function like this.
All I can do anymore is give it to Jesus. I need it taken from me; I need to trust that God will deal with it in his way. I need my life cleansed from this passive-aggression that I keep clinging to as my only way to express my anger. I need to figure out how to let it go, because he may not give a damn about how he’s affecting this family, but I know if I keep holding on, it’s going to poison me to death.
Guys who share my values don’t share my interests. Guys who share my interests don’t share my values.
