Victorious Pages

“To your right…your right…”...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 17:11:00 -0500

“To your right…your right…”
“…Gotcha.” [x]

I dreamed about youlast night. I wonder if you’ll see this? Hm. Did you know I saved every...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 11:04:44 -0500

I dreamed about youlast night. I wonder if you’ll see this? Hm. Did you know I saved every single thing you said to me? The good and the bad? When you let me need you, and when you scoffed at my anorexia for the world to see? Anyway, that doesn’t matter now. In the dream we ran into each other out somewhere. We talked. We smiled. Life. College. We’re both doing okay. The past was gone. And then we walked away. It was nice. It felt good. I felt happy and relieved. I don’t know if it would happen that way, but now I know I’ve forgiven it all. It’s not forgotten but it’s let go. And that’s a fantastic feeling.

the theme this year was “Home.” This [AMAZING] house...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:50:31 -0500

the theme this year was “Home.” This [AMAZING] house set was on the main stage the whole week. Each room represents an area of our lives - the study = the mind, game room = leisure, dining room = desires, etc. The goal for the week was to let Jesus “live” in each one of the rooms, to make it all his home.
Each night we went through a different “room,” and when we did, the contents of that room were out in front (i.e. the living room the day this picture was taken).
Probably the most intense night was Thursday - the “bedroom/closet” night - our relationships and our secrets.
I think the night that actually impacted me the most was the “Rec Room + Work Room” night. God made me have the personality I have, and like the things I like, for a reason and I don’t have to change it. I don’t think that’s ever hit me before.
This theme was my favorite from all the years I’ve been. The visual aid made it come through so well. It’s something I think will be sticking in my head for a long time.
other really cool thing: On the opening night, the Chad Lister Band (our music for the week) had one person in each of the rooms and played “Home” by Philip Phillips. A w e s o m e.

Young the Giant || Cough Syrup (cover) I did this thing today....

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:38:13 -0500

Young the Giant || Cough Syrup (cover)

I did this thing today. :]

really close to emailing the contents of that last post to both parents ngl

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:30:48 -0500

really close to emailing the contents of that last post to both parents ngl

At this point, all I can do is try to keep my mouth shut and ask God to teach me how to forgive,...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:25:17 -0500

At this point, all I can do is try to keep my mouth shut and ask God to teach me how to forgive, every second of every day in this house.

Though I try to forgive, I don’t think my brother and I are going to be ~buds~ any time soon. I’m so hurt and angry, there’s been no confrontation of wrongs, his lying is completely out of control. I fear with each word I say to him that the next will be something vindictive or profane. Everything he’s done bites me: lying about our family, hurting my friends, making up struggles that he doesn’t have to make people pity him - it all cuts into me like a knife. I’m walking on eggshells trying not to lash out.

And I’m hurt and bewildered that my parents choose to let it all slide. I’m craving confrontation and closure (even if there is no apology), and I’m getting nothing. It’s really screwing me up. I was so upset on Saturday that I had a near panic attack and cried most of the morning. It’s so hard to function like this.

All I can do anymore is give it to Jesus. I need it taken from me; I need to trust that God will deal with it in his way. I need my life cleansed from this passive-aggression that I keep clinging to as my only way to express my anger. I need to figure out how to let it go, because he may not give a damn about how he’s affecting this family, but I know if I keep holding on, it’s going to poison me to death.

Spamalot! Let’s hope the rain holds off… #themuny...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 20:15:36 -0500

Spamalot! Let’s hope the rain holds off… #themuny #montypython #spamalot #secondrow #stlouis #forestpark (at The Muny)

Photo

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 00:27:08 -0500

Guys who share my values don’t share my interests. Guys who share my interests don’t...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:08:47 -0500

Guys who share my values don’t share my interests. Guys who share my interests don’t share my values.

I picked motorcycle ride with dad over nap this afternoon. It...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:03:24 -0500

I picked motorcycle ride with dad over nap this afternoon. It was a difficult decision but I’ll stand by it.

#thefocus #god #hymn #hisloveisenough

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 21:37:39 -0500

#thefocus #god #hymn #hisloveisenough

That view.

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 20:52:37 -0500

That view.

I gave myself five minutes to be angry about what’s going on with my family. And since talking...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 14:37:35 -0500

I gave myself five minutes to be angry about what’s going on with my family. And since talking about it with them has failed, I’m saving it here. 5 minutes. 253 words. And I refuse to join in the rug-sweeping this time.

I’m finding myself almost too angry for words because nothing is being addressed here. All he gets is everything he wants; he acts like everything is fine here at home and then tells the world that he’s being abused. There’s no repercussion for the lying, no follow-up for hurting my friends physically and verbally. I’m sure Ian is thinking about what happened today, but Luke gets off the hook with nothing. I can’t stand being here, I can’t stand being around him, and I can’t stand the way my parents act like nothing is wrong. His depression is not an excuse. Actions have to be addressed, especially when they’re violent and hurtful. He lives a life of lying and never sees a second of regret for it because everyone gives him what he wants. I feel like I’m the only one being hurt by any of this. I feel like I’m the only one affected. Given what’s happened, I don’t think I’m wrong to be, but looking at the demeanor of everyone else in this house, I’m some kind of oddity. So I’m sorry his lies make me cry. I’m sorry I get upset when people I care about are hurt. I’m sorry for being worried. I wish I could scrape all the cares away because caring about Luke does nothing but bite back. I’m sorry there’s no justice here. I’m sorry that we never address anything as a family. And most of all, I’m sorry for being affected by any of it.

Okay, so I had a really amazing week this week. I’ll probably be posting my thoughts on it all...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 21:59:23 -0500

Okay, so I had a really amazing week this week. I’ll probably be posting my thoughts on it all in spurts. We’ll see.

Other thing: If you could, keep me and my family in your prayers. There’s still so much going on and it’s really hard for me to see straight through how angry I am about it right now. There are so many positives to this week and those are what I need to be focusing on. I’d spill about it to Tumblr if I didn’t believe it would only feed my frustration. Right now I just need to put my mind elsewhere.

The end of an era… I couldn’t be any happier that...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 17:16:01 -0500

The end of an era… I couldn’t be any happier that this was a part of my last six summers. :] #camp #supersummer #ssmo2013 #nametags (also isn’t it weird that my last one looks so much like my first one? Ooooo.) #senioryear #goodbyes #best #summer #youthgroup #stoptaggingVictoria #okay

Doodles. #supersummer #camp #doodle #go

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:56:26 -0500

Doodles. #supersummer #camp #doodle #go

Petro from 4/25

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:40:06 -0500

Petro from 4/25

Bridges are cool.

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 22:20:12 -0500

Bridges are cool.

Yes.

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 21:40:12 -0500

Yes.

Everything and everyone I knew is right now more in question than I ever thought possible. I have...

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 00:26:33 -0500

Everything and everyone I knew is right now more in question than I ever thought possible. I have never felt so lost or alone. And yet, I have never felt more at peace about it. None of this is the truth that I expected to find.